And Then You Fly Page 21

  Bree ran her hands over the bedding, plump with down filling. Her gaze lingered on the box on the dresser. She closed her eyes, and willed herself back to sleep. After fifteen minutes, she was still wide awake. She couldn’t avoid it any longer. She’d come here to read whatever she found in the envelopes, and it was time she got started.

  She found a Hudson Bay wool blanket in the cedar chest near the door leading out to the deck. She slid her feet into the furry ankle-height slippers, also sitting by the door, and wrapped herself in the blanket. She opened the door to the deck, carrying Zack’s journal with her.

  She opened the cover and found a date, along with a volume number, handwritten on what served as a title page of the book. The pages were cream-colored, and otherwise blank before Zack’s handwriting filled the pages.

  When she’d looked at the journal before, she’d only flipped through the pages. She hadn’t noticed the dates, or the numbers. Zack started this journal a few days before he was deployed. There was no end date, but the volume number was fifteen.

  In all the years she’d known Zack, she’d never known he kept a journal. Curious, she went back inside and pulled the remaining envelopes out of the box. There were fourteen in addition to the one that contained the letters, and the one she pulled the first journal out of. Each one contained another journal. The last manila envelope contained volume one. The date indicated Zack started the journal when he was a freshman in high school, two years before she met him.

  She put the journals in order and started reading, beginning with the first. It was filled with entries about schoolwork, girls and family, as you might expect from a teenage boy.

  The second journal was much harder to read.

  May 3

  An angel visited our church today.

  May 10

  The angel came back, with her family. They’re joining our church. I invited her to come to our youth group meeting.

  May 17

  She came! Her name is Bree and she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

  Bree closed the journal, and then closed her eyes. She remembered meeting Zack when her parents visited their new church for the first time.

  “Dinner?” said Red, standing in the doorway.

  “Dinner?” she responded. “Already?” Bree looked at her phone, and the time. How had she lost track of so many hours?

  “I didn’t want to interrupt, but…you didn’t eat breakfast, or lunch.” His eyes studied hers. “You need to eat Bree.”

  She ran her hand through her hair. She hadn’t even showered today. “I can make something—”

  “No need, I’ve already made something. Join me whenever you’re ready.”

  ***

  “You wanna talk about it?” Tucker asked Jace when he found him at the bar.

  “Which it?”

  “Let’s start with you wanting out of the rough stock business.”

  “I don’t know Tuck. The whole reason I went to Montana in the first place was to get off the road. Now I’m on it four times as much.”

  “Maybe there’s a compromise we can work out. You know that thing you did, where you insisted you be on the road twice as much as you needed to be?”

  Jace turned away from the bar and scanned the casino floor. “I’m drowning Tuck.”

  Tucker put his hand on Jace’s shoulder. “I know you are, but I didn’t feel it until the last couple of days. What’s changed?”

  “Same thing that always changes.”

  “Bree?”

  “Not necessarily just Bree. Women.”

  “Tell me what’s happened.”

  Jace told Tucker about his phone call with Bree, and about her change in plans for the holidays.

  “I’ve been countin’ the days Tuck. I mean really countin’ them. All I’ve been thinkin’ about is the next time I’ll see her, and now I don’t know when that’ll be.

  “I’m goin’ back to Montana from here. I need a few days to get some perspective.”

  “Good idea. We’ll see you back down at our place for Christmas though, right?”

  “I don’t know Tuck.”

  “Fair enough. The door will be open.”

  ***

  “You wanna talk about it?” Red asked Bree when she sat down at the dinner table.

  “It’s as though I’m getting to know him all over again.”

  Red nodded his head; his eyes squinting. He didn’t miss the tone in her voice. Maybe she wasn’t getting to know him all over again, maybe she was getting to know him, the real him, for the first time.

  “I received the box a couple days before I called you. It was…unexpected.”

  “What’s in it?”

  “Letters. Most written to me, and never sent. But there are also journals. They go back to when Zack was in high school. I don’t know who had them, or why they sent them to me.”

  “Someone in his family?”

  “It’s an APO return address, so it wouldn’t have been his parents, or his sister.”

  “Have you asked them?”

  “I haven’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not sure, to be honest with you. I haven’t told anyone about them until just now. You’re the first.”

  Red got up and took his plate into the kitchen. “Ready for seconds?” he asked. “There’s lots more.”

  “Sure, it’s really good Red. I haven’t had chicken and dumplings since I left home for college. Is it homemade?”

  “Yes ma’am. My mama’s recipe. Hits the spot on a cold winter night like nothin’ else.”

  “Mmm. Comfort food.” Bree stood and looked at a photo hanging on the wall of the dining room. “Who’s this?”

  “My daughter,” he answered without looking up.

  “She…uh…”

  “Looks like you? Yes, I agree.”

  “Wow, I mean, there is a resemblance, right?”

  “A strong resemblance.”

  “Red?” He still hadn’t looked up from what he was doing.

  “It struck me that first morning, how much you looked like her.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There isn’t anything you need to say. Whether you look like her or not, doesn’t matter. You and I had a connection that first day.”

  “We did,” she agreed.

  “Somethin’ brought you to the ranch. Somethin’ made me offer to take you fishing,” Red looked up at the ceiling. “Not sure what or why. Not likely to get an answer, so I don’t question.”

  “I felt that way too. Like I was supposed to meet you.”

  “You were.”

  “Thank you Red, you’ve done so much for me.”

  “No thanks necessary. I was supposed to meet you too. This isn’t one-sided.”

  “Why do you think? I mean, it seems obvious why I was supposed to meet you. You’ve helped me more than anyone. But why me, for you?”

  Red sat back down at the table. “Not a lot of reason for an old guy like me to get up in the mornin’ if I’m not needed.”

  “I don’t know what—”

  “Say no more,” he held up his hand. “You’re welcome here any time. Now, what do you say we watch a movie? I have quite a collection. The truth is, I take them from the ranch library, and then I forget to return them.”

  Bree laughed when Red pointed to his collection of DVDs. There was a stack up against the wall almost as tall as she was.

  The next morning Bree took the next journal with her when she went downstairs for breakfast. The dates on the title page included Zack’s final year as a cadet at the Air Force Academy. He proposed to her the day he graduated. Bree wasn’t sure she wanted to be alone when she read this one.

  A couple hours, and many tears later, the tone of the journal changed. Zack was headed to his first base, and several of the pages were dedicated to how he felt about serving in the military. Most of what was written Bree had understood fundamentally, at the time. What surprised her was Zack’s de
pth of passion.

  October 12

  Many question the meaning of life. I do not. I know without question what my calling is. I was put on this earth to protect and serve my country. It is not a responsibility I take lightly, nor do I pay lip service to it, as many I serve with do. More than being Bree’s husband, more than being a son, or a father, I am a soldier.

  She remembered a conversation they had one night. They were in Yellowstone, on the same trip that brought them to Idaho, and Red’s ranch.

  “It’s something I should have told you before we got married,” he said then.

  She remembered telling him she understood his passion, but when she read his journal entry, she realized she really hadn’t. If he told her then that he believed it was more important than her, she wasn’t sure how she would’ve reacted. And maybe he had said it, and she disregarded it as the ramblings of an idealistic young man.

  They’d argued about his commitment to the Air Force more than once in the course of their marriage. Zack volunteered for more things than Bree thought was necessary. He didn’t do it because it was necessary to his career, he told her, he did it because it was necessary to his soul.

  Zack volunteered to help coach the academy track team, when he was stationed at Peterson Air Force Base. He also volunteered with the Wounded Warrior Program. At the time he told her she didn’t understand. He’d been right. She was really just beginning to understand now.

  She walked out on the porch and looked out at the lake. It was warmer today, warm enough that she wanted to go for a walk.

  “Hey now, there’s a pretty girl,” Red said coming around the corner of the house.

  “Hey Red. I was just thinking about taking a walk. Care to join me?”

  “I’ll do ya one better. How about a ride?”

  They took the truck to the ranch. Red called the barn on their way over. “Hey Wyatt, can I talk you into saddlin’ up a couple horses?”

  He smiled at Bree when he hung up. “Perks of bein’ the boss.”

  “And all along I thought you were just another ranch hand.”

  “I like to keep a low profile around the guests.”

  That made Bree laugh. “I’ll say.”

  They rode a trail south, through the woods.

  “How’s the reading?”

  “No easier, but no harder either. I told you last night I feel as though I’m getting to know Zack all over again. I think it’s more than that. There are things about him I never knew. Or maybe I knew, I just didn’t understand.”

  “I learned a lot when my wife got sick. There were times I felt the same way you are now.”

  “How so?”

  “I never realized how much she held inside.”

  Red reined his horse to a stop. “It had been years, you see. For years she kept her feelings bottled up, and I did nothing to draw them out of her. Instead of leaning on each other, we dealt with the grief of losing our daughter separately.”

  “What would you have done differently, if you had to do it over again?”

  “I don’t know. I would have tried harder to get her to talk about how she was feeling.”

  “But how?”

  “I asked her once, you know, how I could’ve been a better husband.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She told me to figure it out for myself.”

  “She did?”

  “Not in so many words, but basically. She told me to look inside myself. Maybe I’d find I had been the best husband I knew how to be.”

  “Did you?”

  “In some ways, I suppose I did.”

  “I feel as though there’s a lesson for me in what you’re saying. I feel that way whenever I’m with you.”

  “There is.”

  “But you aren’t going to tell me what it is.”

  “Nope.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so.

  Chapter 19

  “He needs a break,” Jace overheard Billy say to Ben and Tucker. “And we’re gonna give it to him.”

  “Of course we are,” answered Ben. “We’ll all have a break until the beginning of January. Unless we try to get into the New Year’s Eve Extreme Bull Bucking up north.”

  “We’re not, and we’re also givin’ Jace the whole month of January off. As far as I’m concerned this isn’t negotiable.”

  Jace couldn’t decide whether to let them know he was within earshot, or turn around and walk away. Evidently Billy hadn’t taken his resignation seriously.

  “Guess you heard all that,” Billy said walking up behind him.

  “Yeah, I did. I don’t know what to say. Taking a month off might not change my mind about leaving the partnership.”

  “I hear ya. Let’s address it again after the holidays. But I’ll tell you this, ain’t none of us gonna be worth a damn if we keep runnin’ ourselves ragged. We don’t have to do it all the first year, ya know.”

  “What are you thinkin’?”

  “I’m thinkin’ we discuss this again after Christmas, and figure out where we’ve bit off more than we can chew. Then we scale back a bit.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “After I heard you bought the Beiman place, first thing I thought was ‘ol’ Jace and I are gonna partner in buckin’ bulls and horses.’” It wasn’t this three ranch circus, I saw it as you and me.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “What’s to get?”

  “Why me?”

  “We already had this conversation,” Billy chewed on a piece of straw. “Ain’t gonna have it again.”

  “Tell me this, how are you gonna feel about the whole thing if I bow out?”

  Billy motioned for Jace to follow him over to the bar. “Let’s get you back on track before we talk about any of it.”

  He held up two fingers, and the bartender brought over two shot glasses and a bottle of bourbon.

  “You gotta figure this thing out with Bree. It’s either gonna happen or it ain’t. But you can’t keep goin’ like this. In my mind that’s gotta be your top priority. And if you don’t think you can make a life with her and be a partner in the Flying R, then we’ll move forward without you.”

  Jace threw his shot back, and motioned to the bartender for another. “Sometimes I think you were captured by aliens and they left mister sensitive behind when they went back into the galaxy.”

  Billy pulled his wallet out. “You see this?” He showed Jace a photo of Willow. “My life wasn’t shit until this little girl came into it.” He showed Jace a second photo, of Renie holding Willow on her lap. “And this? This here’s my dream come true. This is what life’s about. It ain’t about stayin’ on a bull or bronc for eight seconds. It ain’t about winnin’ a gold buckle, or havin’ a big bank balance. It’s this, right here.” He pointed at the photo again, and then handed it to Jace.

  “You have a chance at this Jace, and you gotta take it. You’ll regret it every day for the rest of your life if you don’t.”

  “This is another conversation we’ve already had, and don’t need to have again. Bree isn’t interested.”

  “Bullshit,” Billy shook his head. “If you don’t take another single bit of advice from me ever again, take this one. It ain’t time to give up yet.”

  Jace threw back another shot.

  “Where’s she at?”

  “Back in Idaho.”

  “But you don’t know why.”

  “No idea.”

  “Why’d she go there before?”

  Jace gave Billy the short rundown of why Bree went to Idaho over the summer. When they were together at Thanksgiving, there wasn’t anything she said or did that made Jace think she wasn’t at least thinking about moving forward with her life. They wouldn’t have made love if she wasn’t ready.

  “Somethin’ happened.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Somethin’ set her back. Gotta be somethin’ big for her to stay away from home for Christmas. It isn’t just you. Bree lives and breathes for
baby Cochran.”

  “I have no idea. She didn’t tell me. I didn’t ask, and I’m not gonna.”

  ***

  December 20

  Our first Christmas as husband and wife, and Bree and I aren’t together. She’s angry with me about it, but she knew this was how it would be when she married me.

  She did? Bree remembered the conversation she and Zack had when he told her he couldn’t be home for Christmas. He couldn’t take leave while at pilot training. It had come as a complete surprise to her. He was in Texas, not overseas. She offered to come to him, but he told her not to.

  She didn’t want to continue reading; she remembered that week all too well, and how many arguments they’d had. There were several entries written between December 20 and Christmas Day.

  December 25 - Christmas Day

  Only someone with no sense of their own purpose could be so closed off to the needs and beliefs of others. How could I have been so wrong?

  Bree slammed the cover of the journal closed, and threw it across the room. The door to the bedroom was open just enough that Red, walking by, witnessed her display of anger. She heard the door creak, and looked over to see Red. He’d opened it enough that he could stick his head in.

  “Everything okay?”

  Bree crossed her arms in front of her. “No, everything is not okay. And now I’m wondering how I could’ve been so wrong. He wasn’t the only one with doubts. I had doubts too.”

  “I, uh, came up to tell you I was headed into town. Time for a break?”

  Bree stood so quickly, she knocked the rest of the envelopes from where they sat on a foot stool near the bed, onto the floor. She bent down to pick them, and when she stood, her eyes were filled with tears.

  Red walked across the room and took the envelopes out of her hand, and set them on the bed. He put his arm around her shoulder.

  “Let’s get you away from all this for a couple hours. Change of scenery will do you good.”

  They drove south from the ranch, rather than north. Red almost always went north. The only time she’d traveled south was with Jace, when they went to Sun Valley.